God cries

Last night I held my eldest daughter as her external shell finally cracked and she cried and screamed and mourned the loss of her daddy. Her list of wishes broke me.

I wish I had been there that last night to stop him.

I wish I knew what his last thoughts were about.

I wish he was here for Christmas.

I wish he opened his Christmas presents, because I think he would have liked them.

I wish he had never moved out.

I wish he was here and I could tell him every night that I loved him.

I wish we could go on vacation together again. And museums. And play monopoly. And go bowling.

I wish we could lie down together like we did, and I could put my head on his shoulder, and we could talk like we used to.

I wish he would be there when I got married.

I wish he could be a grandfather. 

And on and on. An hour of wishes and sobs. And I just couldn't hug it away. I couldn't distract her with a joke or a silly face. I had to sit with my little girl as she took that journey, exploring the depths of her loss. I just wanted desperately to own that hurt for her so she didn't have to do that.

It's times like this that I'm convinced that God cries. 

Because if I, her imperfect mommy, who's only known her for a brief time and can only see what's on the outside, is crying with her, than surely her God, who has known her since the beginning of time and can see her whole future and know her deepest thoughts, is weeping beside her too. 

I've told many the story of the time when I heard God speak to me. It was early in our marriage, and the reality of Ross's mental state was becoming more and more terrifying. I had gotten into my car to drive the 45 minute commute to work, and I was crying. I was screaming in my car. Can you see me, God? Can you hear me? Do you know me at all?

And I swear to you, I heard this.

Sara, I see you. I know your hurt. I hurt that you hurt. But you've got to trust me.

This has carried me through many more heart hurting years. And as God is my witness, I have trusted Him. And I believe that His heart was hurting right there beside me. And I have found Him worthy of my trust.

And now I've got to trust Him once again. That He will share in the hurt with each of my babies and personally prove Himself Trustworthy to each one.